Saturday, August 8, 2015

My terror of "going to hell" and my disbelief that I will be rewarded by a christian god.

I've been going to church the past couple months, and I'm very worried about this whole God thing. I still don't really believe in God -- if I did, I would like to know lots of things about him; like how to prove he is there, and where it is that you can talk to him, and how to do my most to gain favor with him.
But I'm starting to believe that all of the things I've been ignoring my whole life might actually be true, and the god of christianity might actually be real. I'm still working on this.
I'm stumped by the distance problem: Washington state is one of the furthest places away from Israel and Jerusalem, and Seattle isn't an especially religious city. 
In addition, my intelligence regarding this issue of religion and souls is higher than an average person, and even if "The god" was invisible or operated by a secret organizations, I would still be able to understand it and to make sense of it. I'm also very aware that the USA is still enthralled by Roman religion, and that is contradictory to the christianity that the church espouses.

While at church [a catholic one], I couldn't help believe that the poor conditions of the church, and their dishonesty on the most important issues that I care about, and the poor service that they give is a reason why I don't have to believe in them. In fact, there's nobody that I'm aware of that has impressed me, except the biggest church in Seattle: St. James Cathedral. I've been there a couple times and I was impressed by the services as well as the size and scope of the cathedral. This made me more likely to believe, and to think that they were professional and rich enough to actually be worthy of the religion of christianity.
I was thinking today that the life we're living is very, very plebian, no matter how you look at it. And my relationship with escaping the poverty I was born into is tempered with police action. I'm terrified of police and not once in my entire life have I ever felt safer because of police, or believed that my rights were protected by them. In fact, all that I've ever seen is that unless you have lots of money and a very good attorney, the police will do anything they want and you will never see justice. Worse than that: while rotting in a jail cell your mind and brain will accept them, and you'll lose your self and your sense of justice.

While in the church today, I had sort of an episode and I was thinking a lot about torture. There is kind of like a presence that lives inside of me, and moves my nerves and controls me by talking to me. I've always felt like it is an evil spirit that exists in filth and sin and doesn't care about rights or fairness. While in the church I felt it and I was having some very evil thoughts: thoughts probably about the same level as genocide that the church actively fights against. I then spent the rest of my time at the church thinking about my spirit consuming mana and consuming the blood of other people, and wondering if the spirit of the church was entering me for my time spent there. I wonder if "the god" or "the church" even knows that I'm at the church mass, or if I don't get any credit at all for spending my saturday and sunday in the church for mass. Yes, I'm going to two different masses, one of Saturday and another church on Sunday.

I think for me, if I just live and overcome my feelings of suicide, that is win enough and I will be rewarded by my creator. Suicide is a very big problem for me and I've lived with it my whole life.

1 comment:

  1. Good for you, Steven! I know you're on the right path heading in the direction you need to be. Don't give up! Keep fighting..You got this! Take care, My Dear Friend, and stay safe.