Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The meaning of my existence.

I have been trying to express myself for many years, and mostly failed. The most important thing I've been trying to say is that I am a unique and important soul, trapped in a single 29 year old body. Maybe I've made a mistake by using the word soul, because that takes on a religious meaning. What I should say is that I am an existence, probably one that is known about and is part of our celestial Parthenon, and that I am all alone with no recognition. The worst part of it is that I have so little opportunities, so little money, and so little social interaction.

I was pretty sure in the 21st century, with all our digital connections and how interconnected we are, that we would be beyond this: laughing at souls or existences struggle in poverty, terrified of police and authority, and wondering if I will ever have any opportunities at all.

The way I see it, I have no power, fame, or riches. I have never had the opportunity to decide if I am going to be a moral person, which requires fame, power, or riches. My life is mainly about not having any money, and being treated exactly the same way as billions of plebeians, which is probably an abomination.

The worst part is, I am terrified of authority. The FBI, the USA government, all the rich, powerful, and famous people. I believe that my soul is real and celestial, but that if I take my life seriously and start "declaring war" on all the people who are lying to me, who are oppressing me, and who are laughing as I struggle in the dark, that serious, terrible consequences will befall me: perhaps even the destruction of my immortal soul.

What I have resigned myself to is that I am going to be poor all of my life, and I will never have any opportunities to choose left or right, moral or immoral. However, I am going to save up my resentment and in my immortal life among the stars, I will forever remember my hatred and resentment. This means that someday, thousands of years in the future when I am rich, famous, and powerful, I'll be giving not one single damn about any of the people who oppressed and laughed at me in the year 2017. In fact, I may even be "at war" with them, to the end of Time and our Universe.

This is the only thing that gives my life meaning right now.

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